Journey Within

I am running the emotional gamut today.  It's funny that I felt like I needed to take a break from a group. And then I received an email saying that my spot had been filled with some bogus excuse.  I can usually tell bs from a mile away.  In a way I felt relieved.  But as so often happens to me... even though I feel it... and know it's better in the long run... even after I've made the decision to call something quits... when I don't do it, and the tables are turned on me and I am then being dismissed I get all crazy. Like there's something wrong with me that I'm being thrown to the trash. What is this about exactly?  So many times I bury what I want because someone else doesn't like it and I fear losing them in the end. Does it really matter what they think in the long run? I need to get down to the nitty gritty of this weight issue. Why I sabotage myself so badly....  and why it is when I am in a relationship that it's the worst. And it's with anything in life. I tend to give up almost before I even begin.  I need to learn my strength... and embrace it. I've lived through some stuff.... and so  may others have been through waaaay worse... but I'm still here... and still learning and still living.  I don't suspect I'll ever have all the answers... but I don't wanna stop trying til I have to.  I have to be here doing something anyway...  or I can always make the choice to wait it out...  I can be anxious about dying by doing nothing... or I can be anxious... and distract myself by actually living... and putting life into my days while I wait.  That bang for your buck phrase comes to mind.  I don't know... I just feel like something big is coming and that I am being prepared for something bigger.  Perhaps it's just for my role in my next life....  or maybe I just need to start acting like it's going to happen tomorrow! Just in case....  I don't wanna waste it and look back thinking wow... all that time I could have been doing something... and now... I can't move from this spot and I have moments left.  I don't wanna be that girl.  It's crazy that I can say... I wanna live.... and in the same breath say, but I don't know how.  Isn't that what we're all doing anyway?  Even if it doesn't look like we're making progress... or succeeding in much... it's not coming packaged in the way we expect. We are all headed in the same direction..to the same destination. We just take different routes.  We get so wrapped up in questioning if we are making the right decisions... but what we fail to realize is we've already made the decision... and are already headed in the right direction.  It all works out in the end even in those brief moments when all hell breaks loose and it looks like it was the absolute wrong choice to make.  In short time we realize in the end that it was ultimately the absolute BEST choice to make ... when we are standing in our glory looking back over the trail we've just blazed.  What if we just entertained the possibility that no choice we ever made could be wrong? Imagine how much anxiety, free time and energy that would free up!  All the things we could get done that we dream of doing... if we knew we could never fail.... not really!  All this stuff rolls around in my head constantly...  and I just wanna be skinny dammit. I don't wanna have to relive everything just to figure out the why of it.  I don't wanna be moving forward while facing backward.  I don't want to make excuses or find reasons... I just want to be.  I find that everything is an excuse anyway...  really.  So.... here I go.  Attempting to lay down all of my excuses...  not care if I have support... because ultimately even that doesn't matter.  I am all the support I need... or I can be all of the excuse as well.  Today my choice is to lay down the swords I've used on myself... and move forward fearlessly.  Not saying that tomorrow or even the next five minutes my courage won't waiver and my decision won't be to hide under my bed...  but for now... in this moment... the one that counts... I am all in.  I'll worry about the next moment when it comes.  You can join me on my journey of real self discovery... or not.  I'm going anyway....  maybe I'll inspire someone else to break free... and just allow themselves to be.  Or... maybe I'll just be writing to free myself.  Whatever it is... well...   it just is, and I am ready to trek up this mountain... so I can see that view from the top!
HBoucher copyright 2011