Today is the day that I officially turn the big 4-oh. I have dreaded this day... In fact with the way my life has plummeted this year I have a very thought out plan of action. When I was a kid, I had a friend whose parents were friends with mine. We spent countless hours together. I can't remember what age we were, but her father took his own life. I am not sure if his spirit has been riding with me.... but every single time I pull into my garage and hit the door control and watch it go down, with the car still running, I think of him.
In my husbands words, our marriage is in shambles. Almost a week ago he has taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom. I sit here in our bed... alone.... feeling those all too familiar feelings of despair, lonliness and abandonment. I have moments when I desperately hate him.... But mostly I hate myself for what I've become. I am miserable... we can't even have a conversation without arguing. I think our resentments have snuffed out any love that may have been there. My entire life I've always felt like a burden... unlovable. I am a magnet for relationships that prove this time and again. My body and soul are starving for love and attention... yet... I keep this anxiety ridden desperation to myself. I have come to the conflusion that love is just not meant for me.... I don't know how to give it or receive it. I have been broken so deeply that I have lost what should be my most human abilities.
I do not have any family.... I've been orphaned, even by God. It seems that my mere existence is offensive to humanity. I can't bare seeing all the things people are doing to one another... I cannot bare the torture and cruelty toward animals... I hate humans and the dark plague they have become. I can't bare to witness it... and I can never awaken the masses to their horrors.
I have always begged God that when it was my time to go, that he just allow me to go peacefully in my sleep. The way this world is.... I cannot trust this to be an option at all. I should trust in God but, with this.... with my luck... I cannot. My plan was to take sedatives and sneak into the garage while the house sleeps.... and slowly drift off, like my friends father did. Taking my fate my own hands....
I wouldn't have to see the hatred in my husbands eyes whenever he looks at me.... I wouldn't have to see the uncomfortableness others try to hide when they're around me....
Sometimes you just have to realize that world really would be much better off if you weren't in it....
They deserve a life unburdened by me.
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