Apologies, Blaming and Dancing with Mirrors

In a new city... with new people, and it's amazing to find the same kinds of games being played.  It never ceases to amaze me at how people will behave and get their feathers all ruffled up when they feel victimized and hurt.  In the last few days, someone I came to respect sort of had a situation and threw it into everyone's lap claiming it to be an apology when really blaming them for said meltdown.  Wanting no response, allowing no one to either console or commiserate, we've all been left playing the worst scenarios over and over in our heads.  Completely baffled, and lost.

My first reaction is always anger.  The more time goes by, the angrier I get.  It started making me doubt this persons motives and intentions, making me not trust what he says or does.  Wondering... does this man truly walk his talk?  I started thinking this is a poor pitiful me attitude, and makes me want to say put on your big boy pants, stop sitting around complaining and blaming, rather than doing something to change your circumstances.

Now, there's where I find common ground. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes. And although at times it can be difficult, because the shoes seem most absurd, there is always a lesson in walking...  if they are 8 inch stilettos or a simple pair of loafers.

I've been finding most of my annoyance lately with people that sit and complain about their lives. No matter how many suggestions you give, they find ways to dodge them, and find yet MORE reasons to wallow in misery.  They sit complaining, and blaming everyone else for the place they are in until something Divine and purposeful swoops in and forces the changes they've been claiming to want, and spent numerous amounts of time bitching about.

The kicker is... they continue to bitch and moan, and try desperately to cling to the old things that were on their enemy list, trying to justify them, and remold them into something more tolerable and less ugly.  But, truth is truth... and if you weren't happy before... chances are no matter how much glue and spackle you apply... you're still going to be sitting in a vat of shit... only now... you have big gobs of more shit added in for a not very attractive shit collage.

So... as all this was running through my head... dear Oprah's AHA! moment snuck in, smacked me upside the head and left a welt of a handprint! 

I do the very same damn thing!

How many times have I piss and moaned about my weight, my marriage, my sex life, my job situation, and then merely sit around waiting for a miracle to happen that will magically make life a fairytale with lollipops galore?!  How many times have I been so hurt, real or imagined, that I come unglued then hide in silence, afraid of reaction, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell just happened?  It is a rare occasion to take steps to do anything other than vent or complain.  And sometimes it takes me a long time to bring my tail out from between my legs, and show my face again.  I am sure my friends wonder why and scream at me in their minds to shut the eff up and do something already!

It is our choice to sit in our misery, day after day, seeking out validation as to why we are justified to be angry and complain and view life as just another shit sandwich.  I know I get tired even, of hearing myself complain.  That energy would be much better spent on finding ways off the piss & moan carousel.  I've never known where to begin. Too overwhelmed by the mountain of what sucks,  I bury my head in my plastic horses mane, and take a few more laps around the wacko ride!

The sayings,  'the best way to start is just to begin', and 'to start, start at the beginning', are always so damn elusive, and ping around in my brain. Just do it, like Nike.  But what the hell is IT anyway?

Here's where I start with this particular thing on my shit list....

First, I send my friend love.... because ultimately this, above all else is what he needs and cries out for. I also send understanding, because we all just want to be understood. 

While I may not agree with how others handle things, I must respect their process, and allow them to come full circle in whatever way they need. I ask for patience, because everyone's rates of processing are not always the same as mine, and I get that ants in the pants thing going on.  I don't want to be like the baker that continuously opens the oven to see if the souffle is done.... only to have it come crashing down and have to start all over again.

After all, it is their life to live, and I sure as hell don't want to be dictated to on how to run mine.  They can't learn or find their way out of their darkness by someone dragging them kicking and screaming the whole way. Something is always, always missed along the journey.

Instead of being fearful that this is just a ploy to get me out of their life, realize that not everything has anything to even do with me. And to take a step back to ponder just exactly why this whole thing even ignites such a flaming reaction within me to begin with.  Like I just did.....

And found myself staring at my own reflection.... since we are after all, mirrors of each other. 

The things that drive us the absolute craziest in others are the very things our Soul is calling  our attention to within ourselves to heal. While the clothes and accessories may change, the mannequin stays the same.

Mmmm Spring

There were signs of life today... it made it to 56 degrees here on the water. Finished up the storage unit way early thanks to having an unexpected day to work on it yesterday.  Got to go for a stroll with my two favorite guys.

Moose of course had to get right in the water, soaking my feet. The funniest part was when he decided it was a huge water bowl and tried a taste.  If ever a dog scowled, it was that moment.  He looked at me as if to say, "What the hell? Did you piss in my water or something??!" 

It felt more like a lazy Sunday, than Saturday.  With all the moving stuff, we've kinda fallen off the diet wagon.  Looking forward to the gym on monday.  Never did I think I'd feel that way. Remember those highschool days when some girls were too cool to participate in gym class?  Yep, I was one of them. I think I was more worried I'd do something stupid and embarrass the hell out of myself. It seemed to be cool to rebel and refuse.  I always watched the girls that seemed so graceful on the field, wishing I had their confidence.  I can't wait to post some before and after pics. I'm only down 20lbs so far.... ooooh 100 left?  I should have sucked it up and and played hard in gym!

So... tomorrow is a class... then back to cooking again. I LOVE to cook.  Especially new things I've never made before.  I do seem to be quite the kitchen witch at times.  Spring is in the air and on it's way.  My favorite time of year. I love to watch as things that seemed so dead are reserected back to life. 

Gives me hope.